Todays date: July 4th, 2008
Pimp your ride!!
OK, we have all wanted to do it, but could never be bothered splashing out on those expensive car tuning mods required to drive up and down Barnstaple high-street all night and maintain any self respectivness, So ermelandus.com brings you this easy to do step by step guide to 'transforming' your shitheap into a machine that even the most hardened boy racer would be proud to have in his driveway. Normally a bodykit transformation would cost in the region of £600 we have compiled our machine for about £0.50.
1. Get a car
Now obviously my vectra is already the dogs balls, but my mate Ed has a ickle 1.8 diesel escort that is in a state of decay, the perfect choice for any budding boy racer
2. Get the gear
Now body kits cost an arm and a leg. Well lucky for you, after months of research, we discovered that using some houshold items we could recreate the body kit effect.
3. Create the bodykit
Every boy racer must have one, most are made out of fibergass or plastic, but we have recreated the effect using skillfully crafted binbags and adhesive tape. We also added one of those new fangled square number plates to ours (this is strictly optional but your a dickhead if you don't have one)
4. Get some downforce
Whilst traveling at 60mph down the new sticklepath hill into that nasty sharp corner at the bottom, the forces needed to keep your car stuck to the road are quite extreme! No point of attempting it if you do not have a spoiler, again these cost around £200, but from an old cardboard box and some sellotape you can give your car enough 'wing' to press it hard to the road. We have been fancy and added both a 'roof spoiler' and a 'boot spoiler' and also a giant 'beesting' arial. (Feel free to paint your spoiler the colour of your car. Chicks however prefer the biege cardboard effect, and will be more likely to let you bone them).
5. Get some wider wheels
Alloy wheels are the doggies dangleys, generate the effect using tin foil wraped cardboard
6. Re-Badging
Get rid of all the poofy badges on your car, replace them with words such as 'turbo', 'GTi', etc
7. Customise the interior
Racing steering wheels are a must have. Also feel free to tint the windows using bin bags, etc
8. Private Reg
These cost alot, so make your own. These are also handy on preventing you getting caught by speed camera's.
9. Making it loud
No self respecting boy racer car would be complete without a shiny big bore exhaust (feel free to smack a hole in the exhaust pipe to make it louder), this was created using half a sprite bottle and tinfoil.
10. Artistic design
We have added trendy viper style stripes and a giant white sunstrip (masking tape and an old potatoe sack respectively)
11. The finished result!
Fanny Magnet
Add the customised Ed for the ultimate effect
Ed love's listening to 'choonz' in his car ...
